My latest draft (short)

[emjen]

With all the scripts flooding around on this board lately, this might not be the right time to place my latest draft of a short I'm working on here. But then again, it might be good to hear critisism right now since I've just completed it. It's one of the four versions of the story, and it's the latest. It's a 7 page short, originally wrote in Dutch and translated just for you, so I hope you can look over some misplaced words and the like.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

A fancy restaurant. On each table sits a couple. They laugh, enjoy their food and each other.

In a corner sits BERNARD(20), alone. Reads a woman's magazine. Takes a bite now and then.

WAITER (O.S.)
What'll it be?

Bernard looks up. An annoying smiling waiter stands before him. He looks at him. Silence.

WAITER (CONT'D)
Ehm... what can I get for you?

BERNARD
(sticks his finger up)
Yeahyeah. I heard it.

More silent seconds follow. Finally Bernard says something in a way as if he's taught so say it:

BERNARD (CONT'D)
I'll have a coke - please.

He looks firmly at the waiter.

WAITER
Ehm. Okay. Then.

The waiter walks off. Bernard sighs of relief. Looks around the restaurant, at all the couples in love. Continues his study of the magazine.

His coke is put down in front of him.

WAITER (CONT'D)
There you go sir.

Bernard points out his finger towards him, preventing him to leave.

BERNARD
Ehhhhhhhr... Thank - you... Yes.

WAITER
Okay sir.

The waiter turns around frowning his eyebrows. Bernard holds his breath a couple of seconds and checks the restaurant from the corner of his eyes.

No one notices him. He can continue breathing again.

LATER

Bernard's is waiting in front of the cash register. Studies his notebook.

BERNARD
(in himself)
Ehr... Pay... Say thanks... Greet... Wait for turn...

WAITER
Can I help you?

Bernard looks up. Keeps looking. Intense concentration.

WAITER (CONT'D)
(louder)
Can I help you?

Bernard sticks up his finger. Still thinking.

BERNARD
Yes. I heard. Er...
(looks in notebook)
Pay. I want to pay.

Puts his receipt on the register. A customer behind him gives him a peculiar look.

Bernard sighs - he's having a hard time. The waiter takes the receipt.

WAITER
Alright, that'll be 22 euros please.

Bernard puts the money on the register.

WAITER (CONT'D)
Thank you.
(Bernard wants to walk away)
Would you like to have a mint?
(points at pot of mints)

Bernard looks around scared. Pages through his notebook.

BERNARD
Errrrr... Are they free?

WAITER
Of course.

BERNARD
Oh.

He grabs inside the pot and fills his plastic bag with mints. For Bernard it's the most normal thing in the world, but he stops when he notices that everyone else is staring at him. He holds his breath.

BERNARD (CONT'D)
Fuck.

And walks out of the restaurant.

EXT. RESTAURANT - STREET - DAY
Bernard sighs of relief, as if he just escaped from a pack of lions.

BERNARD (V.O.)
It wasn't always like this. I used to be... Happy.

INT. ANOTHER RESTAURANT - EVENING

BLACK AND WHITE:
Bernard gets up from his table, throws his plate on the ground and smiles satisfied. Everyone in the restaurant looks at him. He kicks a customer off his chair, grabs the chair and yanks it towards the WAITERS and MANAGER coming his way.

BERNARD (V.O.)
I did what I want. Because that's what you do, if you don't know the difference between right and wrong.

He spurts towards the waiters and manager and starts kicking and hitting them. A CUSTOMER grabs him from behind. Bernard reacts with grabbing a knife from a table and sticking it in his side.

The waiters are coming towards Bernard but stop when a gun is pointed at them.

BERNARD (CONT'D)
Because you don't, if you don't have conscience.

Laughs satisfied.

INT. PUB - EVENING

B/W: Bernard stands with 2 guns pointed at the customers. He starts shooting around. Everyone dies.

Panting, he lowers his guns when there's nothing to shoot at.

BERNARD (V.O.)
It wasn't that I didn't care.

A door opens and a little GIRL walks inside, too young and shocked to fully understand what's going on.

BERNARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It wasn't that I didn't give a shit.

The girl walks towards the register. There she ducks with a dead man. She wants to wake him up, starts to cry. Looks up to Bernard. Asking for help.

BERNARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I just couldn't help it.

Bernard staggers outside.

EXT. PUB - STREET - EVENING (CONT'D)

He looks up at the stars.

BERNARD (V.O.)
Not having a conscience doesn't mean you don't have feelings.

He collapses.

BERNARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(softly)
I just couldn't help it...

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

BACK IN COLOR. Bernard sits in his chair. In his home are hundreds pieces of paper hanging around. Notes. They scream things like:

"Think!" "Don't kill people!" "Say thanks!" "Greet!" "Think before you act!" "Know what's allowed! What's NOT allowed!" And so forth.

Bernard's holding a note saying: "Would they like it if you'd do that?" A sigh.

BERNARD (V.O.)
But I'm trying.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Bernard sits on a bench reading a magazine about women. Next to him a LADY takes a rest from jogging. She takes a few sips of water. Bernard looks up.

Decides to talk to her.

BERNARD
Errr... Good day.

The lady greets back but is still too exhausted to speak.

BERNARD (CONT'D)
Have you been jogging for a long time?

She shakes her head. Smiles.

LADY
No. Just finished warming up.

BERNARD
Really? That must've been one hell of a warming-up then.

She starts to laugh. Bernard has to think a couple of seconds before joining the laughter. Laughing she points her hand out towards him.

LADY (CECILE)
I'm Cecile.

Bernard takes her hand uncomfortable.

BERNARD
Bernard.

His eye catches her breasts. Stares at them.

FLASH OF NOTE: "NEVER squeeze women in their breasts!"

BERNARD (CONT'D)
So... You jog here often?

She takes a few sips from her bottle. Her neck bares. Bernard swallows.

CECILE
Twice a week. Well, you've got to do something keeping a body like this in shape, right?

He laugh uncomfortably. Searches for words.

BERNARD
Ehr... I really find you - a beautiful lady(?).

She laughs. Bernard desperately looks out of the corner of his eyes.

LADY
Well, thanks. Say, you're not doing that often, are you? Lurking around in parks waiting for female victims?

BERNARD
Well, victims... I do occasionally come here to check out the pretty girls passing by.

She laughs waiting for further explanation, as if the clue has yet to come.

BERNARD (CONT'D)
But ehm... They never do.

He laughs uncomfortably again. Cecile laughs silently and stands up, stretching her back. Her firm buttocks displayed in front of Bernard - who stares at them with wide eyes.

CECILE
(Oooooaahh... There. I'm stiff as a board.)

Bernard reaches towards her bum. His fingers slowly touching her. Pulling her pants down a few centimeters.

She immediately turns around and slaps him on the cheek. Jogs away pissed off. Bernard looks after her with satisfaction. Smiles while rubbing his cheek.

Then slowly, real slowly, he realizes he did something wrong.

BERNARD
(screams)
FUCK!

He tears up his magazine. Stares frustrated into oblivion. Grabs his notebook and starts flipping around. Stops on: "NEVER squeeze a woman's breasts!"

He adds: "Just NEVER touch them!!!" Angrily breaks his pencil. Tears and crumples pages from the notebook. Explosion of anger.

If there's nothing left to destroy he calms down. Throws his head back frustrated and looks towards the sky. One last frustrated sigh: inhales -

EXT. ON THE STREET - DAY

Exhales. Head bent down, hands in pocket. Bernard walks frustrated on the street. Bumps in to a BOY talking to a GIRL. The Boy starts shouting towards Bernard but he doesn't hear it.

Bernard simply looks up and floors the boy in one hit. And walks further.

BERNARD (V.O.)
I just want to fit in.

The girl looks after him flabbergasted.

Several BYSTANDERS show interest. Bernard can't help but smile faintly.

BERNARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I just want to -

He stops. His attention towards the opposite side of the street. There is an-

INVALID in a wheelchair. And suddenly he forgets everything around him. Only the invalid remains.

CUT TO

Bernard's happy face. He's doing something wildly - but we can't see what.

BERNARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Do what I want.

CUT TO

Bernard's happy face. He's enjoying something he's doing - but again we can't see what.

BERNARD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Be myself.

CUT TO

Bernard's happy face. He's standing in a

INT. WHITE ROOM - DAY

And wearing white clothes. In front of him stand a table. A plate with food on it. He picks it up and balances it in his hand. WHAM! Throws it against the wall.

Immediately 2 MALE NURSES arrive. Bernard has been waiting for them, smiling with a happy face.

The nurses try to change his mind, but Bernard already charges in on them.

FADE OUT

thanks

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[andyblaa]

On the whole, I liked it. It's well written, there's just enough description so we know exactly what's happening and the story seems to flow. I don't like the ending though, I'm guessing what happens is the white cell is the aftermath of something he did to the invalid in the park. I'd like the story to carry on, instead of using the cliche of him ending up in a mental asylum to finish.

I was interested in the character at the start but lost interest when you essentially kept repeating the same thing in the narration, 'I just want to be myself' or variations on that theme. A lot of narration could go.

I liked most of the scenes, especially the one with the woman in the park, it was simply written and quite funny. I didn't like the scenes where he shoots everyone in the bar. Are they supposed to be flashbacks and if so how is he not in jail?

It's good though, it needs work, but is a very interesting concept.

Andy

[emjen]

thanks for your comments man. Although the ending might seem cliche, it's actually the ending of the theme 'you can only be truly yourself if you're a looney'. And because he is a looney, I also made him go into bars and restaurants and create a chaos there. Which also brings to mind whether psyochopaths are crazy, or just lack concience. Oh well. There's a bunch of philosophical things going on here. This is by the way the leat violent version.

I do kind of agree with your comment that there seems something missing along the narrative. I just don't know what:S.

[emjen]

hmm, doesn't anyone else have anything to say? [img]graemlins/wonder.gif[/img]

[Littlerich]

I think your character can get quite mixed reactions from the public... I think if he throws a fit, the poeple around him can start thinking it's funny. they laugh at him, which makes him worse... Then they realise he's a looney.

As far as the shootings scenes go, it would work better if these were fantasies your man has.... He could be shooting everyone as you have previously written, then it cuts back to "real life" and he's shooting at everyone with a fork or something similar...

Then you can get the other diners reactions, they stare in disgust?

[emjen]

the thing is, the character is a mixture of two types of screenplays right now. One, which was much darker and more violent, and this new one, which is a bit funnier and brighter.

I'm currently rewriting it in an overall bright way, just took out the 'dark violent' scenes. The scenes are never trying to be funny, but I know people have to laugh about them. It's sort of a black humour I'm aiming at, I guess.

[Kev Owens]

Overall I liked it. I think it's full of dark humour, which I really like. Very subtle.

However, I think the scenes in which he's shooting people put's you off track a little, as even with all his 'ailments'; what was his motive for shooting a load of innocent people? Perhaps the extreme of his condition could be displayed in a more subtle and [darkly] humourous ways which would be in-keeping with the rest of the script.

I think the scene in the park with the female jogger is very well written, definitely the best part of the script. Good work. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]